- (no subject)
- February 26th, 0:13
We've reached that point in my crush that I'm evaluating the things Spooky says and does for signs that there is some sort of secret relationship taking place (I would keep my relationship secret from the community too, given the way they can be, so a secret in and of itself is not a red flag or anything) - or there's still the chance he'll say or do something totally unacceptable. I think I still want to go back to New York just for the experience of it all, but I don't have to see him. I kind of wish I could talk to someone about it, to get a sense of if he's only into Asian girls half my size or anything else that would let me know that this is a nonstarter and I can just try to wash the crush out of my brain with fan fic. If he blew me off in person, at least for a moment I could look straight into his eyes and have him see me as I really am physically.
I wish I could write beautifully and that I had things to say. Sometimes I read articles about culture and they really don't contribute positively to the universe at all, but in other cases they do, and are educating and funny at the same time. I wish I could do that. When I was younger I know that I thought I could do that, but I can't do it now. I'm not doing it now. I used to be articulate, and I'm not anymore. Yesterday I made a stupid mistake at work, and even though I was able to correct it before the end of my shift, I still thought: this is the reason why I can't have a good job. Because black people have to be 2-3 times as good as everyone else to have normal opportunities, and I'm not that good. My brain is rotten. I make too many mistakes.
I think about all of the things that are wrong with me physically and I wonder if I'll ever be able to sort myself out. Why even bother of thinking about going anywhere when it hurts so much to walk? Why dream of meeting Spooky when I'd be terrified of what he'd think of my toes, or my skin? I'm getting all wound up just thinking about how the next doctor will also be an offensive and uncompassionate idiot asking me stupid questions that make me lose my temper.
I want to be able to help everyone, but I can't. With an infinite amount of money and expertise at my fingertips, I think the only other variable would be time. But I don't have money or expertise. People throw up their Patreons and their GoFundMe's and their PayPals and etc. and I can't contribute to them. I'm supposed to be saving up money to go somewhere this year. More than one place would be cool, but I don't want to get greedy. I'm feeling like something scary is going to happen.
I tried getting a ticket for SDCC this past weekend and that was a total nonstarter. To be honest I've always been unsure as to how much I would get out of it since I'm so not a part of any Western fandom. Western fandoms in particular for comics have a way of crapping out hard on when I get on board. There is an anime room at SDCC, and Miyazaki was there at one point, but it's no anime con.
As usual, I should have been in bed hours ago.